before I hit
Good and evil
feel the same,
my heart's hiding
from my brain.
before I hit
Look for me inside love's lost and found.
I burn for you on the phone.
I burn for you to call me home.
I burn for you an effigy...
I am going to a place
where the porch light's on in case
that you forgot
to stay awake for me.
not my words.
sometimes, i just wonder if he made it home.
it happened years ago,
and i should be over it.
that's what everyone seems to think.
but last night...
i thought about how he never hesitated
to hop into that old convertible
and drive out past the monument,
with just food that we packed up
from whatever was inside the fridge.
we'd sit out there, in the lightning storm,
and watch the vengeance
of the weather on the city lights,
and know that my little leaky car
would never make it back through the pass, right now.
we'd sit there, and drink our wine,
and read hunter s thompson,
russell banks, or rumi...
every time the sky would light enough
to get a sentence seen.
and if not we'd just watch god's screams.
he said that he did not believe in god.
and people ask me now...
if i believe that he could get into heaven.
i had a vision once.
when everything went down.
i saw matthew
in his big red velvet lounge chair,
sitting there, dressed to the nines,
as he always was.
hair perfect, sideburns trimmed.
his ring... the one he left for me.
looking like a cadillac angel
when you're drunk...
and i think that i see god.
sitting in the matching chair.
i see matthew lift the gun.
and when he puts in his mouth...
his eyes meet with god's.
and in that moment,
as he pulls the trigger...
god plays that trick.
the one where he changes all of time.
to where we can't tell if science or religion
is the one that's right.
is seven days really seven days?
or is it thousands of years?
in the time that it takes a bullet
to travel from the barrel to the brain...
in my vision becomes the time that it takes
to recognize someone, that until that moment,
you did not believe exsisted.
to know that someone could heal your pain.
that someone that you did not know
was there could love you.
really love you.
to know that someone could take you home.
i have to believe that this vision is true.
i sat in the monument last night
in that leaky old convertible.
and watched god's screams.